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I Wonder?

July 21, 2009 in cancer, confidence, God's faithfulness, teaching, writing with 11 Comments

Hi there bloggy friends,

I am sitting here weary in body but hopeful in spirit. My sweet hubby is in the kitchen cooking dinner so I can just “be.” I love that man!

Teachers started back to work today in my district.

I was awakened by a thunder crash at about five this morning….a crash so loud that it shook our house and made us fear we’d be struck by lightning.

God’s holy lightning deflectors were in full force, and we were saved, but when I got up, the first thing I did after taking the dogs out to tinkle was to promptly throw up from a nervous stomach.

School was rough last year: personality clashes, administrative lack of support, untrustworthy colleagues, disrespectful students…it was a rough year.

I made it through the first day with nothing major. Got my caseload for my special education students, got my schedule for what classes I’ll be teaching, and got some work done in my classroom I’ll be sharing with my sweet friend, Jill.

But, I wonder how the year will go? Will the untrustworthy colleagues prove themselves trustworthy? Will the administration surround our department with support? Will the students be a more respectful bunch? Or will it be “same ol same ol”?

In my personal life, my brother-in-law, Buddy, has taken a positive turn. He has been working on the oil rig with boundless energy for the past week and a half. It seems the minute hospice was called in , Buddy’s body started cooperating with his spirit. He has been eating like a horse and working furiously to make sure all his ducks are in a row. (Sorry for two cliches in one sentence!)

But, I wonder how things will turn out? Is Buddy truly getting well, or is he just “nesting.” You know how expectant women get a burst of energy right before giving birth? They clean and arrange their homes furiously to make sure their home is in order for the new baby’s arrival? I wonder if Buddy’s sudden burst of energy is just God’s way of helping him get his house in order before he passes away? OR, it could be that God is healing Buddy of this nasty disease! Maybe Buddy’s energy will continue indefinitely. Maybe he’ll remain on this earth long enough to see his grandchildren born. Maybe God has a mission for him to perform for many years to come.

On July 30, I will fly to Charlotte, NC, for the She Speaks Conference. Since I had to arrive to the conference late last year because of my Uncle Joe’s death and funeral, I’ve decided to take the writer’s track again this year. My best friend from high school, Kristy, will be my roommate. She is taking the women’s ministry track, and it has been amazing how God has opened doors for her to minister to women at her church and beyond! I have three publisher appointments: Dayspring, Revell, and Randall House. My heart quakes everytime I think about Dayspring; I have a whole line of PrayerGift products to propose to them: gifts that turn the ordinary gift into an inpired gift.

But I wonder? Will I wait for months again this year only to receive a rejection email from Dayspring, Revell, and Randall House? Will the publishers look at my ideas and say, “Thanks, but no thanks”? Or will God give me favor with one of these publishers so that I can use the creativity God has given me to encourage people across the world?

I don’t know the answers to these “I wonders, ” but I know the GOD OF WONDERS!

God has us in the palm of His hand and will take perfectly good care of us. He will use us for His glory and give us opportunities to use our gifts to further His Kingdom. I KNOW!

God will hold my hand and lead the way as I strive to represent him at my school. He will give me the strength to love the unlovely and encourage the downcast. I KNOW!

God adores Buddy more than any of us ever could! He will do what’s best for Buddy whether it be giving him years on this earth or taking him home to heaven. God has a perfect plan for Buddy Hughes, my sister, Karla, and my nephew, Matt. I KNOW!

Whether I get to publish a book millions of people will read or I get to share with a few people here and there, God has a plan for me, and I’m ready for it, I’m thankful for it, and I’m humbled by it! If God uses me to minister to even ONE person, it’s all good! Use me however You want, Lord! I’m Yours!

Ms. Confidence Has Left the Building–Finally!

October 8, 2008 in Behind Those Eyes, confidence, counseling with 16 Comments

I’m sorry for the delay in getting this post out, but yesterday was “a day.” Not a bad day…just a busy day. I taught the second of two staff development classes for my school district. I got the privilege of spending several hours talking to a group of 30 paraeducators (teacher’s assistants) about how to effectively communicate and collaborate in the school setting.

I have been so sad and beaten down in spirit for the past couple of weeks, but teaching that first class on Monday morning really helped me get my focus off of “poor me” and onto one of my passions–training special ed staff to work together in a productive, positive manner. Getting into teacher mode helped me get out of “I just want to crawl in a hole and die” mode.

Back to yesterday….I taught the class and then went to my first appointment with a counselor. I’m hoping Chelsei and I will be able to work together to help me sort through all of my baggage and clean out the junk. Your prayers are so appreciated.

Admitting my need for professional help has been humbling for me. My husband is right; I’ve been trying to “fix myself” for too long. The counselor agreed that it is time to get honest with myself and get to the root of my insecurities and fears. I’m scared and excited all at the same time….scared that we will uncover something scary, but excited that the baggage is going to get sent to unclaimed luggage for infinity.

Ms. Confidence…..reading that chapter this week is quite ironic, for I believe all of my self-confidence is gone….maybe forever.

The older I get, the more I realize that the only thing I can be certain of is that Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. (Hebrews 13:8)

He is the only One I can utterly depend on.

I have a loving family and some downright amazing friends.

I have a thriving career and a fiery passion for ministry through writing.

I am blessed with excellent health and a roof over my head.

I am plugged into a vibrant, challenging, loving church.

I have so much for which to be thankful, but honestly, all of that could be gone tomorrow in a blink of an eye.

My husband could die or leave. My kids could leave the faith and go their own way. My friends could betray me. I could locate my birth family and discover they did the happy dance the minute they got rid of me.

I could lose my job due to budget cuts or wrongful accusations. My love for writing and ministry could run cold.

Overnight, I could discover my health is threatened by breast cancer. I could lose my house to foreclosure or fire.

A church split could destroy my church, and church friends could turn into bitter enemies.

Anything could happen……but God……..is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

So, I’m done with self-confidence and confidence in other people. My only confidence is in Him.

I have found that I believe God’s promises for other people with no problem. I can pray in complete faith for God to do the impossible in people’s lives.

Shoot, I even pray regularly for Osama bin Laden to come to Jesus! In my mind, he is a modern-day Saul…he just needs a road to Damascus experience! (Acts 9)

How can I pray so boldly for others, even terrorists, but not pray with the same faith for myself?

Oh, how I want to firmly believe that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to bring it to fruition beyond my wildest dreams! (Phil 1:6)

Lord, You have truly stripped me of every last bit of my confidence in self. I ask You to please build up my God-confidence so I can have the boldness to conquer my fears and strongholds and find “wholiness” in You. Keep me on my face and at Your feet. In Jesus’ Name, AMEN