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Who Am I?

December 1, 2010 in depression, whatever it takes with 4 Comments

Not only have I not read the chapters for last week’s posting about The One-Day Way, I’m not even exactly sure where the dang book is because I have such a gigantic pile of clutter next to my bed. I’d take a picture, but it would likely cause an intervention involving the show, Hoarders: Buried Alive.
I had every intention of reading the chapters and blogging about them tonight, but I just can’t do it today.

I’m going to be honest here. I feel like the world’s most blatant hypocrite that I would even consider facilitating any kind of weight loss/healthy living/overcoming bad habits/victorious living support group. Who am I?

Tonight, as I lowered my discouraged soul into my car for a grocery store run, I completely and utterly lost my mind. I threw a full-blown temper tantrum in my car, so loud that my husband heard me scream through my closed car windows all the way inside our home.

I screamed and hollered all the way to the grocery store, and then I sat in the back space of the parking lot for a good 20 minutes crying as loudly as I could. I just needed to be loud, I guess.

Once I got in the store, I’m sure I looked like a woman on the verge, so all the other late-night shoppers kept their distance.

I hobbled along with my achy legs and filled my cart with a swollen-eyed attempt at frugal but healthy cuisine. I spent more than I should have, but by the time I got everything scanned through the self-checkout, I wasn’t about to put anything back. Whoever invented those things should get a job with the CIA torturing information out of spies.

 So here I am…groceries put away, hubby sleeping off a splitting, crazy-wife-induced headache, dogs snoring at my feet, sons oblivious to their mother’s mental breakdown.
I’m feeling depressed, discouraged, disappointed, dejected, and detached.
I’m surrounded by people who love me and support me, but I’ve never felt more alone.
I know what’s happening. I know God wants to have sole residency of the throne of my heart. He wants to be my El Shaddai…my all-sufficient God.
I prayed…”Whatever it takes.”  And I’m not taking it back.
But I feel like my heart is being run through a paper shredder, and it keeps getting stuck, so the operator keeps pressing the reverse button pulling me back and forth through the gnarled blades.
In all my almost 41 years, I’ve never found anyone who truly “gets me.”  I mean, shoot, I don’t even “get” myself.
Finally, the Lord unexpectedly plopped someone in my lap, a complete stranger, who seems to struggle with the same things I do…the same fears…the same insecurities. Someone who wants to be free and well and victorious for the glory of God. Someone strong enough to hold me accountable and for whom I can return the favor.
And what did I do? I smothered her. I became too dependent on her. I let her have space in my heart where only God should be. God gave me a gift, and I ruined it.  It’s an ugly cycle I’ve repeated over and over my entire teenage and adult life.
As I screamed and hollered my way to the grocery store, I demanded to know why?
Why does it have to be so dang hard?
Why can’t I just love people without needing more back from them than human beings were ever meant to provide?
Why can’t I let God fill the throne room of my heart?
Will he have to take everyone I love away from me for me to learn? 
Will I end up being like Job sitting in the ashes with friends pitying me and family telling me to curse God and die? (Job 2)
Will I end up like my brother…dead in the grave still wearing my chains Christ already paid to remove?
Tomorrow, at 6:00 p.m., I see my counselor again. I hope she sleeps well tonight because she has her work cut out for her.
As it is tonight, my head is throbbing from crying, and my throat is raw from screaming. Time for a couple Tylenol PM and some sleep.
Even if it kills me, Lord, I will learn to hope in You. (Job 13:15) Whatever it takes.

Whatever It Takes

November 12, 2010 in live free, whatever it takes with 2 Comments

It’s Friday night, and I’m out in the garage with my sweetie. He’s sawing and sanding and painting and honing. I’m snuggled up under my son’s rock star comforter with my laptop and my thoughts.

I’ve been pondering a prayer I was challenged to pray just a short 24 hours ago.

Whatever it takes, Lord.

I have to confess, I’m feeling a mixture of anticipation and holy terror!

What will it take for me to live free?

Off and on all day today, I had to force myself to not do things the old way…the pre-whatever it takes way.

I chose to put my Blackberry away and not check it so dang much. Not easy for a girl who stores her phone in her brazziere when she has no pocket! (Just keeping it real, people!)

I chose to throw myself into loving on and serving my students rather than focusing on myself. It felt good to look “my kids” in the eye and give them my undivided attention.

I chose to speak truth to my heart when a friend didn’t reply to my text message. Yes, she still loves me. In fact, she loves me enough to not feed into my sinful pattern of needing her approval. Thank you God for such a friend.

I chose to listen to the Lord’s leading. LeeBird, you need to love on the people right in front of your face as much as you love the ones in cyberspace.

Listening to Him prompted me to sit out in this garage with my sweetie instead of staying inside tonight.  It prompted me to buy the makings for a hearty beef stew and cornbread just because my sweetie loves it. And by the way he responded to my attention, I suspect it was long overdue.

After one day of “whatever it takes,” I know I’m not going to change my people pleasing ways overnight. I know I’m going to battle defeating thoughts over and over.  But I will not back down from “whatever it takes.”

As did my walking tonight, God gave me a new theme song. Travis Cottrell has a song on his “The Lamb Has Overcome” recording based on Psalm 40 in The Message. It talks about abandoning oneself to God.  I couldn’t find the song on You Tube, but guess what? God’s Word is way better! Here’s Psalm 40 in its entirety, and I’ve bold-faced the parts that really hit home with my heart. It is my prayer (and my song)!

Psalm 40

I waited and waited and waited for God. At last he looked; finally he listened.
He lifted me out of the ditch, pulled me from deep mud.

He stood me up on a solid rock to make sure I wouldn’t slip.
He taught me how to sing the latest God-song, a praise-song to our God.

More and more people are seeing this: they enter the mystery,
abandoning themselves to God.
Blessed are you who give yourselves over to God, turn your backs on the world’s “sure thing,”
ignore what the world worships;
The world’s a huge stockpile of God-wonders and God-thoughts.
Nothing and no one comes close to you!
I start talking about you, telling what I know, and quickly run out of words.
Neither numbers nor words account for you.
Doing something for you, bringing something to you— that’s not what you’re after.

Being religious, acting pious— that’s not what you’re asking for.
You’ve opened my ears so I can listen.

So I answered, “I’m coming.
I read in your letter what you wrote about me,

And I’m coming to the party you’re throwing for me.”
That’s when God’s Word entered my life, became part of my very being.
I’ve preached you to the whole congregation, I’ve kept back nothing, God—you know that.
I didn’t keep the news of your ways a secret, didn’t keep it to myself.
I told it all, how dependable you are, how thorough.
I didn’t hold back pieces of love and truth
For myself alone. I told it all, let the congregation know the whole story.
Now God, don’t hold out on me, don’t hold back your passion.

Your love and truth are all that keeps me together.

When troubles ganged up on me, a mob of sins past counting,

I was so swamped by guilt I couldn’t see my way clear.

More guilt in my heart than hair on my head, so heavy the guilt that my heart gave out.

Soften up, God, and intervene; hurry and get me some help,

So those who are trying to kidnap my soul will be embarrassed and lose face,

So anyone who gets a kick out of making me miserable will be heckled and disgraced,

So those who pray for my ruin will be booed and jeered without mercy.

But all who are hunting for you— oh, let them sing and be happy.

Let those who know what you’re all about tell the world you’re great and not quitting.
And me? I’m a mess. I’m nothing and have nothing: make something of me.

You can do it; you’ve got what it takes— but God, don’t put it off. 

You have what it takes, Lord, and I trust You to do whatever it takes. No more, no less. Whatever it takes.